Sanctuary
“A refuge or safe place”
I’ve now been in Miami for over two months. In the past two months, I’ve experienced more emotions than I have ever thought possible. I’ve had so many really good days. These days were full of beautiful skies, laughs that brought tears, purpose, peace and accomplishments that I never thought possible. I’ve also had some of the hardest days. These days were rare days of painful cries, loneliness like no other, sadness, confusion and desperation for understanding like no other time in my life. I'm discovering things about myself that seem so counter cultural, isolating, and absolutely beautiful. The thought that God of the universe, of all the earth, of all people, places and things also loves me. God chose me for this life. God gave a time and place for me to share my gifts, my thoughts, my life, my story. I am overwhelmed by this calling nearly everyday. It seems like a daunting, scary, exhausting, and nearly impossible task. It would be so easy to give up. It would be so normal and okay to just walk away. That’s what most of us do. We sink back into consistency, routine, motion in hope that we make it to the next day. If we could just make it, things will get better. And we continue in this way with half a smile for years and years and years. We act like everything is okay that we have it all together and that we are doing just fine. It is easier that way. And you know what, it is with good reason too. Because if we tried to fight back at the pain it would be defeating....or so we think.
I am writing this from a dark place. I am writing this like I have never felt convicted to write before. I am writing this from the deepest part of my soul to tell you that this life right now that we are all living comes up so short from what God intends for our lives to be. A life of anxiety, fear, hate, annoyance, ignorance, pride, sickness, depression, addiction, greed, gilt, shame, and disaster. I believe that humans were not made to suffer. We were intended for more.
There has to be more. There just has to be. I can feel it in my bones that there is a way out of this mess, this cycle, this stagnant, dangerous, divisive place we have created. We are called to more. I am fully aware that this new way of life is difficult and exhausting, however, it is also what keeps me going the most. I know that there is so much more in store for me. There is so much more in store for all of us. The fact that this calling that I have is not just mine to keep is the most gut wrenching feeling of all. I wish I knew a way to describe how painful it is to carry this calling with me everyday. I feel like most days that I don’t have a way to share all the thoughts and feelings I have for this world. How desperately I pray for those around me, my social media, my neighbors, my friends and family, and the world to just wake up and get it. That we are all better living and working together. We are all better when we speak up for each other. That we are better when we speak kindly to each other on the sidewalk, grocery store, or through our phones.
I am sure that there is life beyond this moment, this day, this week, this month, this election, this pandemic, this year, this life. I know this to be true because I see the glimpses of beauty in everyday life. Like when my roommate cries with me and sits with me and makes me dinner. When I have a day to rest. When my grandparents call me just to say hello and remind me how much they love me. When I have the chance to sit with friends and hear their stories. When I workout and get a really great sweat. When I see two people in love. When I look at a new born baby or see smiles on children’s faces. When Kenzie calls me with a story to tell me. When I play with my dog. When I sit on the side of a mountain or swim in the middle of the ocean. When I see a rainbow. When I cook dinner with friends or family and sit around a table to laugh and cry and tell stories and share. When I sit in a bubble baths with candles and can’t help but feel the power of sanctuary. I feel completely covered and safe and God’s love and peace and the addictive powers sink into my soul and calms me completely.
These are a glimpse into pure peace, love, joy, and happiness. Heaven is here. It’s in us and among us. It is experienced through us. Through our lives. Through our dedication. Through our actions. Choices. Community. Change. This is how we show others. This is how we begin. We start with ourselves.
We have to give up ourselves and our own desires for this life. I gave up everything to be here right now. I gave up friendships. I gave up time with my grandfather. Time with my parents, sister and friends. I gave up money. I gave up luxury. I gave up worthy alternatives. Alternatives that are socially acceptable, yearned for, dreamed about, desired and meaningful. However, those were not my path. Those were not what God was calling me to. I believe that is what it takes. My life is hard work. This new life is hard work for all of us. It is exhausting, heavy, and necessary work.
It is the work that we are all called to do. We are called to the community. We are called to serve alongside our neighbors. We are called to stand up for each other. We are called to love deeply for our fellow humans.
This is what I know to be true. I love you. I care for you. No matter who you are or where you have been. No matter your politics. No matter your race. No matter your gender or non-gender. No matter your sexuality. No matter what car you drive. No matter if you are rich or if you are poor. No matter your weight. No matter your number of followers on Instagram. No matter your past mistakes or your future mistakes. Your pain is real.Your life is real. Your feelings are real. No matter how heavy it feels sometimes, you are loved and you are worthy of a life of abundance. You are worthy of life with purpose and passion and power. I love you. You matter. There is a place at my table for you. Come be whole, friends.