Hello, Friends! I feel like it has been so long since I've actually sat down to write a life update. I've now lived in Miami for seven months! I know, wild! It just seems so crazy to think about.. seven months and an entire year since the pandemic began. In all honesty and transparency because that's the way I like to be here with you all, the months of December, January, and February were really hard months. It was so difficult to try to write any of my thoughts, feelings, or experiences that I would actually intend to share because nothing really seemed to make sense in my head. Not being able to go home for Christmas to see my friends and family was one of the most difficult experiences. It just felt so odd and unusual. We opened gifts over zoom, there was still the spirit of Christmas in the air, but it was nothing like how I'm used to celebrating. Maybe you felt that way too. It was strange to say the least. I had never realized before how sacred holidays such as Christmas can be to the rhythm of our lives not just the sacredness of the holiday itself. What was even more difficult is that it didn't feel especially hard in the moment. It was the weeks following Christmas that made me realized I needed a break from my current reality. It was that realization that each week began to look and feel exactly like the last. It was a major insurrection on January 6th. It was the uneasiness that I was feeling in my soul. It was the rising number of deaths due to COVID-19. It was the fear and uncertainty. It was a new feeling of isolation that I had never experienced before. It was a disconnection from my friends and family as I was processing my new life in a city that is extremely different from my origins. It was a patch of discomfort in doing a job that has never been done before. It was the looming feeling of failure. It was the same weather everyday. I felt lonely, uncertainty about my purpose, lack of motivation, and just an overall insecurity that I hadn't felt in a long time. The best ways that I knew how to cope at the time were to try to work more, try to do everything right, hold myself to unnecessary standards, speak my truth to those around me, start a lot of new hobbies, exercise too much, control what I could control, try to find ways to get out of the house, hide as much as I could from my real emotions, push away from others, scream and shout, cry to my therapist, pray a lot, write in my journal, watch too many TV shows and movies, make TikToks, and sleep. I pretty much tried it all. Nothing really worked and at the same time everything worked. Nothing was really an instant relief, and in the end everything sort of kind of helped. I made it through it.
Last week, the best thing in my world happened, I got to see my family for the first time all together since August. Ultimately, this is what helped the most. It was the hug that I had needed from my mom, the quality time with my sister, the conversations with my dad, those were the deeper connections that I was missing. We spent the week at an Airbnb in Downtown Miami. (Don't worry, my parents are vaccinated and my sister has the antibodies, so they were safe to travel. I get regularly tested as well. So this was all in safe measures.) The amazing thing was that in just the short time spent in a different house with my family my whole uncertain world was put back into perspective and purpose. I was given just enough space to remember why I love living in Miami, how special it is to live in my neighborhood and near beaches, what's unique about my job, and why I chose to be here in the first place. The entire week was a breath of fresh air. I remember thinking even on Monday evening on the second day they were here that I wanted time to slow down. I lived that entire week in slow motion taking in every single moment to just be near the people that I love the most. It was a priceless gift that I'm so grateful was able to take place, and it was exactly what I needed.
As I have reflected on the past couple months that now feel more resolved due to being able to see my family, I am realizing that transitions in life are exactly like roller coasters. They are full of uneasy turns, ups and downs, and everything in between. And sadly, we have all collectively been on a roller coaster of a year in a pandemic with a government and with other humans that have also been tossed and turned by the endless list of tragedies and changes. And unfortunately, we have all only been able to react. So it should come to no surprise that we are all just exhausted, burnt out, and tired of all the drops. What I am learning though this is that I think that it is in these moments of transition and uncertainty and roller coaster emotions that we feel like we're walking through the wilderness with no end in sight. We don't know where we are or how much farther we have to keep walking to get to a place of safety and comfort again. Although we all live for the easy moments in life, the promised land, it is in those tough wilderness moments where we grow the most, we rely on God the most, we dig into ourselves, our values and our perspectives the most, we learn the most, and strangely where I think we are actually the most fully alive.
For so long, I really thought I would get to a point where life wouldn't be as hard anymore. I know, it sounds a little silly saying it out loud. But you know what I mean? I really thought that one day I would never feel sad or mad or anxious again. When you're a kid, to become an adult is a fantasy. We are told by TV or society that we need to want to be an adult. It's almost glamorous to grow up. The shows tell you everything you need to do to grow up and you believe them. You need to pick a career, go to college, get a job, get married, buy a house, have kids if you are able, you get the point. I guess in my mind I thought that all those things just happened. The best way I can describe it would be to say that I thought my mind, my heart, my true God given desires for life would just click one day, I would just get it, or just align with what society told me to want and I would be good to go. Easy peasy.... Wrong. This past year has taught me that life does not work like that and things are not as easy, simple, or as straight forward as I had imagined them to be as a kid. And it is a good thing that we get to keep our beautiful minds, hearts, and dreams. It's a good thing that life isn't as easy as it appears to be on TV. God reminded me during these past couple of months that I don't even have to be afraid of tough times or figuring life out. I don't have anything to fear. I don't need to be afraid of my emotions or feeling scared. It's normal and okay to feel those ways especially during a transitional time in my life and in the world's. It's normal and perfectly okay to struggle and question and feel insecure. It's actually a good thing. These times of struggle have made me a better, more secure, and ambitious person. I am less afraid to fail now. I am less afraid to speak up. The worst thing someone can say is no. I know I can get through anything now. I can speak my truth. I am called to make a difference, I am loved by myself and others, and I am worthy of a great life. This has been a huge learning experiences that I will always remember.
So thankfully, I get to keep my mind and my heart, and you do too. I get to keep dreaming wild dreams. I don't have to follow societal norms. I don't have to follow the rules. I get to live life the best way I know how and do what is most true for who I am and for who God is calling me to be. And thank goodness because I'm not your average gal. I love where I am in my life right now. I love my freedom in singleness. I love following in love with myself everyday. I love discovering new things. I love my very boring yet exciting life that I am living in Miami, Florida. I love working for Fill the Table. And all of this wouldn't be possible if it weren't for all of you! So many of you have pushed me and showed me what it means to live an authentic life. You've been there for me in the past couple of months without even knowing it. I'm just so grateful for this experience. I am so grateful for this time in my life to focus on myself. I am so grateful that I am living into who God is calling me to be more and more everyday. It is a beautiful, messy, and exciting journey! Stick around and hopefully I'll be able to share more with you all.
As always, if you would like to help me financially during my time in service as a Global Mission Fellow so that myself and other young adults like me are able to have life-changing experiences like this, then you can give to my Advance account by going to: https://advance.umcmission.org/p-2037-autry-emily.aspx
My Advance Number: 3022615
Anything and everything given is so greatly appreciated!
Blessings,
Emily Autry
GMF